Better, just not good.

Miserable, Mad May is OVER.....thank sweet f**k for that....June is where all this pain and anxiety will be twisted up into a ball and thrown into the fire.....I'm ready to watch it all burn away...pain evaporated, circumstance merely forgotten....although I do believe it will be impossible to ever "forget" those feelings....they are are so intrinsically tattooed into you, but there will be brighter days and the sun will fade the scars I'm sure.....better, better, better, everyday getting better than yesterday........X

Gone....

My mama has gone overseas for 4 weeks......F**K! I am not better and it really hurt to say goodbye to her, she literally saved me from myself this past month....I have gotten through my first week without her, but it was not a cakewalk....3 more to go.....why does time speed by so fast when you're on a holiday or when your out somewhere awesome and you don't want the night to end...and it just lulls along like a heavy ship when you want to get through something...I am no longer counting the minutes, but the hours are always on my mind, counting down to sanity, wonder if i'll ever get there, wonder if I know when i arrive? I really wanted to soak up this time and just be grateful and happy and get over it....but i'm finding out its not as simple as a positive mindset, in fact a positive mindset does just about shit all in this state i'm in.....it's so hard for anyone to understand and I dont expect them too....I just want to be me again so I can forget about it all....X

Make it go away

Please......

May this be over now....

wow. thought i would be healed by now, but i guess this cloud is darker and stormier than first thought.... on the up I am a million times better than I was....breaking up my days into 2 segments and having my mama around has really helped. I will be on my own for the next 3 weeks and I'm kinda shaking just thinking about it. 1 day at a time, that is all my mind can handle at this stage, 1 freakin day at a time.....plans...just started making them, getting out there again, something to reinspire me, shake this shit up, dust the old glitter off and sparkle up some new life, I desperately need to get one....I can't stay MAY this month has sucked thus far and I am craving just a taste of June, hoping it will save me....

Days Go By....

I have worked out every day, pumping out those happy endorphins, mood is still varying degrees of panic and peace.....anxious today to spend the whole day on my own, indoors as the rain pelters down like bullets outside....I think I will be okay...Sick of counting down the days though and am really hoping I get a magic spark soon & get to really enjoy and soak up these last few moments of non-workdom...really hoping it comes soon as I know I will regret wishing these homebound days away. Some Mama's would die to be home everyday with their baby, the guilt will just devour me if my mental state won't get there first.....Laughing it Off, and just gonna smash through another day......X

I. Forgive. Me.

I. Really. Do.

Day 1 Me vs Mind

Recovery

The cloud is still there, all dark and stormy + menacing, but the day has begun positive.....happy awakenings, breakfast, tea, babyplaytime, looking forward to working on getting all those happy endorphins out into the universe this afternoon.....

felt free for the first time in many, many months, cranked my ipod and pounded the pavement and each step purged all the negative shit that has been building....instant mind relief, shitload of happy, lovely + sparkly thoughts....

onto the next.