This is where I begin to shed the layers and offer up little pockets of annoyances and little sparks of loveliness that I've stumbled across over the years. Emptying my thoughts into the universe seems like a delightfully splendid idea and until now I haven't had the bravado to do so.
A fresh decade sparks some sort of deal with yourself that allows you to be FREE. The whole "fuck it" let's just be ourselves and everyone else decide whether they like you or not. I'm unconcerned with external demons, more intent on purging the internal ones in the form of 10 Things I Hate & 10 Things I Love.
10 Things I Hate
BRIDAL SHOWERS
I have a great idea! Let's put a bunch of girls in the same room most who barely know each-other, drink pink cocktails and eat fancy cake with tiny forks, Hey bride I've got another great idea! Let's use those forks to stick into our eyes so we can no longer witness the insanity that is a bridal shower. If you're calling it a bridal shower, at least throw the bride in the pool or something so at least the name of the event can have some integrity to it.
1ST BIRTHDAY PARTIES
I don't get it, the baby doesn't know what is going on, and if he/she did they would tell you all to fuck off so they can eat their cake in peace.
PHARMACY ASSISTANTS
You're not a doctor darling please don't take my medical history and interrogate me about what other medications I am taking. Yes, I know I'm injecting ketamine into my veins but I really don't see how taking Nurofen Plus twice a day will affect that? I have a new technique for dealing with pharmacy assistants,they always ask; "Is this medication for yourself" you say "No" BAM! you have got them then & there, they will stumble, they will search for words, they want to give you advice, but they can't, they must do the third party advice interaction and it just floors them, they don't get the same power-trip from advising someone who is not visibly present, the power is reversed, f**kers!
OPEN OTHER END
No, I don't want to open the other end. I don't see how the product will be different if I open it from the other side. I always rebel against these 3 silly little words they place on food packaging.
GUYS WEARING PINK SHIRTS
Salmon/Mango Coloured Clothing for MEN, come on it's f**king PINK. You know it, I know it, and we also know that you are the same guys that would have bashed other guys 3 years ago for wearing PINK clothing, that's the kind of tosser on tool action I despise. Dye IT, SELL IT, Throw IT AWAY, you look like a WANKSTAR and you can put your COLLAR DOWN while you're at it, it makes it way too easy to spot dickheads like yourself.
VALENTINES DAY
I don't get it. Someone can bash their partner 364 days a year, but get them a bunch of roses on Valentines Day and everything is cool? This day is all about f**kwit couples. The girl wants stupid cliche items; chocolate, jewellery, roses. The guy has no choice but to get them for her, I am sorry but that is not romantic, choosing pre-determined, overpriced items and giving them to someone on a pre-determined day, after they dropped hints like bombs, is about the most unromantic thing I can think of.
RETAIL ASSISTANTS
Much like Pharmacy Assistants but they is an entirely different breed of animal. Please don't ask how my day was, you and I both know you don't give a shit if my entire family was eaten by a wild bears 10 minutes before I entered the store, and none of this, these have been selling really well, no shit, have they been selling? in a store? where you sell shit? wow you are smart, I loathe these smarmy f**ks.
BLUE-BOY PINK=GIRL
Who decided this? What is there name and number or the location of their grave? An illogical "tradition" which automatically sucks out any personality that your kid may have and turn them into crawling and drooling cliches, and whoever said Green and Yellow were neutral? If they are neutral, you may aswell add hot pink to the list. I thought beige was neutral?? I have completely missed the boat on this boy/girl colour legislation.
NO OFFENCE
People that start sentences with "no offence, but" Get prepared for an instantaneous insult to follow, no-one ever says anything pretty to you after saying no offence first, it's an automatic lead-in for meaness....
OH YOU BIRTHED A WUNDERKIND
The way SOME people speak to you after they have had a child as if their life, words,experiences are automatically more superior than yours because you don't have a kid. Even crack mothers can give birth, so back up on the self-righteousness & in 20 years if your wunderkind is doing something amazing with their life, we'll talk....
