So the days are bleeding together. Life has been a rollercoaster and I think we just plateaued. Routine is my routine and it drives me mad some days and other days just freakin bonkers. I am ready to get out into the world again, to be myself again and not just a mama.
Didn't expect to feel like this....8 months at home with a baby, isolated from all that my former world entailed. trapped in 4 walls with endless duties & motherly love to distribute. I close my eyes and I can imagine my old life, my lazy days, my disgustingly addictive reality tv marathons, my online shopping addiction, my starbucks frappacinos, my skinny skinny jeans, manicures, pedicures, 3hr hairdressing appointments, crazy wild nights out, chatting away to strangers while smoking drunken ciggies in random beer gardens, wicked hangovers laced with fuzzy, happy memories, restaurant dinners, sleep at anytime, calling in sick, annual leave, spontaneous weekends away.....oh god the list is endless..... what i got instead of course cannot compare to all that self-indulgent crap, but it was still MY self-indulgent crap, and i was kinda shocked that i didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to it, it was just ripped out from under me one day, when i came home, plus 1 life & minus another.
it has nothing to do with the depths of love + sincerity and absolute perfection i feel for my daughter, it's the journey to my mental state catching up with my new life is what this is all about.
what a ride. before baby, even on my good days, i still felt twinges of sadness, just pockets of empty feelings and self-worthlessness, of course back then it was easier to get over, a night out with my mates, some champagne, marilyn movie marathons or just a good old fashioned faceplant crying session diagonally in my bed. now I can't feel low without having to care for human life at the same time. it's quite a mission and today we went to war, and i mothered on auto-pilot and we got through it all....
twisted missions, happy baby, mental mama, another day done + dusted.X
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